


It Will (Never) Get Better

by wishfulFeline



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, bede isnt as much of an asshole as he seems, hop has a severe inferiority complex and breaks his own heart, hop hurts himself a lot, victor is in love with him and wants to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:04:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22489063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishfulFeline/pseuds/wishfulFeline
Summary: He started shuffling through his bag. This was fine, wasn’t it? He took out his survival knife and flipped the cover off of it. This was fine. It wasn’t like he wanted to die! He wasn’t going to try and kill himself! It was just something he deserved. It was something to distract him. This wasn’t bad. This was fine. He took off his jacket. Where, though? If it was too low someone would certainly take notice. He didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. It wasn’t like he was depressed! There was nothing wrong! He was just trying to fix himself!
Relationships: Hop/Masaru | Victor
Comments: 4
Kudos: 144
Collections: something old something new something borrowed something blue





	1. Chapter 1

Under the pink luminescent light of a mushroom, Hop’s tears started to leak out from between his fingers as he pressed his hands over his eyes. He could hardly understand why he was crying. He had won, hadn’t he? So why did it feel so futile? Seeing Gloria and Victor’s scores on the table in the gym...it was just another reminder of how much better they’d become than him. Maybe he should feel proud for being able to win without getting the questions right and receiving stat boosts. But he couldn’t. It was all so confusing, the gym and the forest and his feelings. Even if being with Gloria and Victor hurt, he wanted to see them so badly. It was stupid to have insisted he travel seperate from them for a while. Or...was it really stupid? It’d be selfish to stay with them and hold them back from battling stronger Pokémon and trainers. If he had lost this gym they’d probably stay with him until he did. He couldn’t stand the idea of being a burden on them. The Champion’s brother, he’d heard it over and over again. And once Gloria or Victor won he’d be a thing of the past, just another challenger they’d have blown past. Their rivalry was so one-sided it hurt. Even though the siblings so kindly referred to him as such, a rival is supposed to be someone who’s difficult to battle against and pushes you to get stronger. Each time Hop was absolutely demolished, often times only having knocked out one or two of the others Pokémon. 

He had just beat a gym, why did he feel like this? Why, every time that he fell behind, had it started to feel like this? The biggest realization was after his battle with Bede. That, as his younger brother, Hop would be hurting Leon’s reputation with his losses. Leon was unbeatable. Hop was so easy to beat it was like stepping on a stick. Bede didn’t allow any shame to come to Chairman Rose’s name when it came to his strength. That changed when he broke down the mural in Stow-on-Side, but even then Hop knew he wouldn't have done something so rash without thinking. Not like Hop.

Hop wished he could stop thinking like this. Stop it, stop it, stop it, but the negative thoughts were coming like a waterfall the second he wasn’t doing anything. When there wasn’t something to distract him, his mind had too much freedom to wander to how many regrets he had and mistakes he continued to make. He was  _ trying  _ now, he was trying  _ so so  _ hard. Maybe that self loathing was motivating it. But most of all he wanted to keep up with his best friends and not disappoint Leon. 

He grabbed his bangs and pulled on them hard, grinding his teeth. Crying like this wasn’t going to do any good! But how could he possibly ask anyone for help? Help of  _ any  _ kind!? He was supposed to be strong! He gloated left and right to convince everyone he was going to be strong like his brother, but his actual abilities couldn’t live up to his word at all. He just couldn’t shut his mouth, could he? He just...wanted to be like his brother. He wanted to be like Gloria, who was certain about her victories and backed it up completely.

When he unclenched his jaw it felt sore. He wanted to punish himself. It just felt like the right thing to do. Like after he lost to Bede. If anyone asked he could just excuse it the same way he had then. It wasn’t a problem. It wasn’t like it was something he would do all the time. Just...another motivator. Another reminder of his inferiority and the fact he had to change. He had to win. He had to become a better trainer or there would be no way to forgive himself. So…! It was a good thing! It was a good thing to be this angry at himself! It just meant he wanted to improve! Anyone would feel like this!

He started shuffling through his bag. This was fine, wasn’t it? He took out his survival knife and flipped the cover off of it. This was fine. It wasn’t like he wanted to die! He wasn’t going to try and kill himself! It was just something he deserved. It was something to distract him. This wasn’t bad. This was fine. He took off his jacket. Where, though? If it was too low someone would certainly take notice. He didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. It wasn’t like he was depressed! There was nothing wrong! He was just trying to fix himself!

Probably the upper arm would be fine, then? No one would notice. No one would ever see it or ever know but him. All they would see would be him getting better at battling! So, no one could know about this! With his left hand he gripped the knife, shaking. He tried to slow his breathing, but the anxiety was still throbbing in his veins. He pressed the tip onto the skin of his upper arm. Slowly, he applied more pressure as he slid it across the flesh. It wasn’t so deep. He could hardly feel it. It didn’t hurt nearly as much as his head. Maybe deeper? He tried again, slashing faster that time. That one hurt. Was two really, enough, though? And if he wanted the excuse of it being from a Pokémon, there needed to be more. Maybe not as lined up as the last two. It’d just make more sense to cut more. He cut again, diagonally, and then again in the other direction. Shit. That looked too much like an X didn’t it? That looked definitely man-made. Okay, maybe...this was alright. No one was going to see it, anyways, so no need to worry about how it looks.

Hop’s breathing was fast and he stared at his blood trailing down his arm reflecting the pink light of the mushroom he was sitting next to. He swallowed dryly. That wasn’t enough. It didn’t hurt enough. That wasn’t enough to attribute to everything that’d gone wrong so far. That wasn’t nearly enough. He lifted the blade again, and—

His hand was quickly yanked away by someone else. He shouted in surprise and quickly turned to look at who had grabbed him, and his eyes grew wide when he saw who it was.

“What the bloody hell are you doing to yourself!?” Bede snapped. Hop’s breath caught in his throat, and he quickly dropped the knife to pull his hand away to cover his wound. It  _ stung,  _ it hurt much more doing that than the cuts themselves.

“Nothing! Why would  **you** even care!?” Hop yelled, turning away.

“That’s obviously a lie if you’re sobbing and cutting yourself, you imbecile!” Bede snapped, snatching the blade and moving it away from Hop.

Hop clenched his eyes shut. This is the last person he wanted to see then! He hadn’t wanted  _ anyone  _ to see him but  **especially** not Bede. 

“I don’t care for  _ you  _ per say, but…” Bede started but trailed off. “Do you believe me so bitter as to just walk past someone hurting theirself without trying to stop them?”

Hop opened his eyes and looked at Bede’s serious expression. He wasn’t sure what to think. Of course he didn’t think Bede was a heartless person...just. Mean. Really mean. Even mean people must stop being mean in some circumstances, huh?

“It’s...whatever, it’s just...ugh. Sorry. Don’t look at me, please,” Hop said. Bede stood up and put the knife in his pocket. 

“Hey! That’s mine!” Hop growled.

“And now it’s mine. It’s probably ashamed to have been used for something like that, anyways.” Bede insisted. He looked away from Hop. “Just make sure you clean that up. It’ll get infected and that’d be even more grotesque than it currently is.”

Hop sighed. He felt exhausted after crying so much. Bede was right. Hop had to listen to that much. “I will.”

Bede smirked and ran his hand through his hair. “Hmh. Good you see I’m the one in the right here.”

As he turned to walk away, he said “Battle me again once you think you’re up to the challenge.”

Hop blinked several times in succession as if to make sure what was happening was really real. It was. He lifted his hand off of the cuts on his arm. The bleeding had almost entirely stopped, but the coagulated blood on his arm and palm was a disgusting feeling. He wiped his hand on the grass next to him. He had enough healing supplies with him to take care of it himself, he figured. It still hurt. It was like it hurt more than making the slices. But it was just the first— _ only  _ time he’d cut himself, so lesson learned. Once it was patched up he put his jacket back on. Good! No way anyone would find out. 

No way anyone  _ else  _ would find out.

Was it safe to camp in Glimwood Tangle? As pretty was it was, probably not. Hop forced himself to stand up. A mushroom jiggled nearby and he saw some small humanoid figures scamper away. He could continue walking to the next gym. Or battle wild Pokémon to level up his own team. But he was just too tired. He’d get outside the deepest part of the forest and then set up camp early. He could take some time to spoil his Pokémon more, seeing as despite his shortcoming they still defeated the fairy gym.

He swung his bag back onto his back and took a deep breath. It felt like he hadn’t breathed normally at all in the past twenty minutes. An anxiety attack plus a random encounter with his rival’s rival does that. He pondered for a moment if he could find his way out of the forest on his own and...probably not very fast. Eventually, but...not as fast as he could with a Pokémon out! Hop sent out Boltund. It quickly turned around to face him and wagged its tail quickly, eyes wide.

“Hey, buddy!” Hop said, voice softer. “You can help me find the way back out of here, right?”

Boltund barked and rushed forward, then looking back to check that Hop was following it. Hop sighed with relief. He hurried after the canine Pokémon.

It lead him back to Ballonlea. Hop sighed again, this time not with relief. Still, he pet Boltund on the head and praised it. It’s not like it would’ve known any better. Time to try again…


	2. I'm (Not) Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hop breaks down again after battling his friends in Hammerlocke.

He shut the bathroom door quickly, breathing harshly. He wanted to beat himself to a pulp. All those lies, all those unreachable unrealistic idiotic dreams he kept spouting. And for what? He was getting stronger. But so was absolutely everyone else. And if Hop continued to improve at a rate slower than everyone else, it would be impossible for him to surpass  _ anyone.  _ Breathing was painful. He knew that he needed to breathe slowly to calm down, to not fly off the handle like he had before, but his head just kept convincing him he deserved this anxiety and anger. He tore off his bag and quickly opened it. He shoved his hand inside before realizing.

_ Oh. Bede took it.  _ What else was there? What else was sharp? He dug around frantically. He had to. He had to, didn’t he? It wasn’t just because he was panicking, overwhelmed with self loathing and reacting violently to his continued losses. There were so many more reasons that just that, 

Ahah! Perfect. A razor claw he’d found after a Sneasle he battled ran off.

Was this safe? Was this sanitary? Of course not. Not at all. But it didn’t matter. It was something to worry about later. He just had to! What kind of absolute idiot could still be this far behind!? No matter how much he focused or what he tried, it didn’t matter! Things were just seeming like always, no matter what, he was going to continue to be a failure and a disappointment! He didn’t deserve Leon’s kindness, especially while he was harming his reputation just by trying! He couldn’t stop messing up! Hop would never grow the confidence to face Bede, he would never be able to defeat his rivals, he’d never be  **anything!**

He threw off his jacket and yanked up his sleeve, hands shaking violently as he hyperventilated. This was bad! Hop shouldn’t...he shouldn’t do this! And yet—

He tore the claw across his arm, the wound jagged and shaky. It did the job, though, blood coming to the surface quickly with his heightened heart rate. So Hop did it again. And again. He needed to feel it, if he didn’t feel it why would he do it!? Again! Again! Again!

He hadn’t realized just what he’d done until his vision was too clouded with tears he didn’t even realize were forming. He blinked them out of the way. His mouth was dry, but he tried to swallow anyways. His eyes slowly trailed down his arm. It was worse than last time. It was...quite a lot worse than last time. He had to hurry and clean up before someone knocked at the door or called him or saw the blood. The blood that still dripped off his fingertips into a puddle on the floor next to him. He felt lightheaded. He felt like he was going to vomit. The overwhelming coppery smell made him dizzy. It was fine. It was a one-stall bathroom. No one could come in until he unlocked the door. It would be okay. He just needed to catch his breath and wipe up the blood. No problem. No big deal. No one had to know.

He breathed slowly, vision blurring, the room spinning. In his jacket pocket his phone buzzed. He squinted at the screen. From Victor it read “ _ You should come have dinner with Gloria and I! Our treat!” _

With bloody fingerprints, Hop replied “ _ Sounds great! Im starving. see you guys soon :) _ ”

He burst into tears again.


	3. I (Don't) Need Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor confronts Hop about his problem.

Hop looked at Victor as he sat down next to him. “So, what is it, mate?”

He felt more anxiety build in his gut seeing Victor’s upset expression highlighted in the light of the full moon. Hop put a hand on Victor’s shoulder, lowering his eyebrows. “Are you okay?”

Victor clicked his tongue before taking a sharp inhale. “Hop, are  _ you  _ okay?”

The question immediately uneased him. Just how much did Victor know? He wasn’t making his heartache too obvious, was he? “Is this about me losing the gym battle? If it is, I promise I’m alright. You don’t need to waste time worrying about me.”

“It’s not a waste of time!” Victor snapped, taking Hop off guard. “I-I care about you so much, so...so why do I have to find out from Bede of all people just how much pain you’re in!?”

Hop bares his teeth and immediately looks away from Victor’s face.

“Don’t—He just happened to see my crying, alright? You don’t need to over react or anything!” Hop insisted but Victor grabbed Hop’s hand before it could completely retreat.

“You weren’t just crying, Hop! Why would you do that!? Why would you hurt yourself!?” Victor shouted, tears already budding in his eyes.

Hop tried to tug his hand away but Victor just held on tighter. Victor wouldn’t let him run away from this. “It’s stupid! It was just some stupid thing I did!”

“Did you do it again!?” Victor yelled. He was completely panicking, terrified at the very concept of his best friend intentionally injuring himself.

Hop bit his lower lip hard and clenched his fists. How could he possibly tell Victor that when Bede saw him it wasn’t the first time  _ or  _ the last time?

“Hop, did you!?” Victor shouted, tears escaping his eyes at that point.

“Yes! Stop yelling!” Hop answered, equally as loud.

Victor let go of Hop’s hand to cover his own mouth. “Hop...why? Why would you do that?”

“Because I’m stupid,” Hop answers blunty, looking at his lap.

“You aren’t stupid! Why would you think that?” Victor said, voice muffled by his hands as he tried to keep his voice from trembling. 

“I’m...I’m just a burden. Whenever I’m with you I’m just holding you back.” He clenched his hands tightly, pressing the tips of his nails into his palms. “I’m...I-I’m so inferior to you, it feels like—Victor, I’m so worthless. Why am I even trying to become Champion when I know I can never be equal than my older brother?” Hop said, voice quiet and uncertain. 

“Why…? Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this?” Victor begged to know.

Hop sucked his teeth and his eyes shimmered with tears. “Why would I? You’re doing so well. You and Gloria are doing  _ so well  _ and I  _ know  _ you’ll make it to the champion cup, but I’ll be lucky if I can even have all my gym badges by then.”

Victor shook his head, tears dripping onto Hop’s jacket. “You’re amazing, Hop! You’re my rival, remember? You—You motivate me, I want to do good, just like I want you to do good!” Victor grabbed Hop again, clinging to his jacket. “I believe in you, I don’t—I don’t want to go to the championship if it isn’t with you, Hop.”

Hop’s throat tightened as he finally started to cry. “I don’t deserve you, Victor.”

Victor wrapped his arms around Hop. “You do,” he whispered. He began sobbing onto his shoulder before Hop turned to face him and hug him back. Victor’s eyes grew wide as he felt the “ever-optimistic” Hop shake as he slowly broke down in his arms.

All Victor could do was try and stop his tears and run his hands along Hop’s back as his friend wailed. 

“You’re so good, Hop. I don’t want you to feel like you need to face this alone...I need you. I trust you, please trust me too. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to keep hurting.” 

Hop clutched Victor’s jacket in his hands. “I’m trying, I swear I’m trying, I just don’t want you to think I’m a failure! I—I-I’m such a disappointment, I can never fulfill my promises and I—”

Victor hugged Hop harder. “You aren’t! I think you’re amazing! You’re insulting someone I love!” He didn’t care how Hop would interpret those words. He needed him to know just how much he cared for him, how much he meant to him.

“I-I couldn’t live without you, Hop. I can’t possibly see a future without you in my life.” Victor’s tears continued to silently fall.

Hop sniffled. “No matter what happens, I promise you’ll always be my best friend.” He could easily add  _ “along with Gloria”  _ but in such a personal emotional moment, all Hop could think about was Victor. 

Victor moved back from their embrace to look Hop in the eyes. They were both drenched in tears. “Don’t...don’t hurt yourself again. Please. Please, please, don’t hurt yourself again. If—If you can’t do it for yourself—” Victor’s voice cracked as he tried to hold back more tears, “Do it for me.”

Hop bit his lip so hard it could’ve bled and nodded. If it was for Victor, he’d try harder. For his Pokémon, for Gloria, for Leon,  **for Victor.**

Victor reached and clutched one of Hop’s hands with both of his. He pulled it to his face and held it there. Hop wiped away some of Victor’s tears with his thumb and wiped off his own by rubbing his face against the shoulder of his jacket.

“It isn’t...bad, is it?” Victor asked gently.

“What’s not bad?” Hop asked, equally as soft.

Victor looked at Hop’s arm. “Your...injuries.”

Hop swallowed hard. “It isn’t anything to worry about.”

Before Victor could protest Hop continued “Really. It won’t scar, probably. And it isn’t really deep. It’ll heal.”

Victor nodded and sighed heavily. He intertwined his hand with Hop. The powerful and intimate emotions they were feeling made it feel natural. Hop squeezed Victor’s hand tight, but not enough to hurt. 

“I love you,” Victor said so quiet it’d be completely inaudible to anyone but Hop. 

Hop couldn’t possibly decipher if it was a love confession or a platonic statement, but in either context, the only reply he could possibly return was “I love you too.”

“Don’t leave tonight,” Victor said. It wasn’t a question but a request.

Hop swallowed. Was something like this okay? Doing stuff like holding hands and sleeping together was normal for them to do as little kids, but being teenagers...this sort of stuff was reserved for lovers, wasn’t it? Seeing Victor’s expression begging him, his eyelashes wet with tears, it would be the wrong choice to say no.

“Okay,” Hop said. He couldn’t really believe what was happening. He really, really didn’t want to have to express his sadness to Victor, but...it was a relief to not have it hidden in his heart any longer. And Victor was always so kind to him, if anyone had to find out he was grateful it was him.

They didn’t look at one another when changing for bed. It wasn’t anything they wouldn’t see in a locker room, but the heart throb Hop felt when he glanced over to see Victor’s bare shoulder blades in the dimming glow of their fire made a difference. His face flushed when Victor caught him staring taking a glance behind him. 

The brunette laughed shyly. “Don’t stare…”

“I wasn’t!” Hop yelped, hiding his face by pulling his shirt off.

“Did you want to?” Victor teased.

“W-What kind of joke is that!?” Hop squeaked. Victor rushed him, grabbing Hop’s waist. Hop screeched as Victor assaulted him with tickles. “Waaah! Hahaha, stop, whahahat the heck!”

Hop stopped him by yanking his shirt over the two of them. They knocked heads but kept laughing.

“Thanks,” Hop said.

“For what?”

Hop stepped back, giving Victor freedom again. “Lightening the mood. You always make me feel better.”

Victor smiles and twiddled his fingers. “Geez...I’m glad you feel that way. I guess I’m just used to messing around to resolve a tense situation having lived with Gloria my whole life.”

Hop nodded. “That makes sense to me.”

“We should sleep now, right?” Victor clarified.

“Probably,” Hop answered. The two entered the tent together and laid down next to each other. Hop tossed the blanket over Victor. 

Victor rolled over to face Hop. “Hop, I’m...really nervous.”

“About sharing a tent?” Hop asked, quite surprised. 

“Ah, no, no. About. How close we’re getting to the end of the gym challenge...and how close we are to the champion cup.” He swallowed hard, eyes unfocused. 

Hop nodded. “It’s scary...I really hope I can beat Raihan. He’s Leon’s biggest rival, after all!”

Victor hummed in acknowledgment. “That’s true. But...that isn’t what I’m scared about. Hop...in the champion cup. Someone is going to win. It might be Leon, or a gym leader, or Marnie, or Gloria...Hop,  _ I  _ could win.  _ You  _ could win.”

Hop couldn’t believe that last statement. As much as he once believed it, he knew that there was a very slim chance of his victory in the champion cup. But even so, he desperately wanted to make it as far as he possibly could. He didn’t want to feel ashamed of himself for not trying.

“I just...I…” Victor sniffled, fighting back tears. “I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to stop adventuring with you and Gloria, I don’t want one of us to become champion because I don’t want us to stop being friends, I want to stay like this forever,” Victor said, voice shaking.

Hop shivered. He didn’t consider Victor’s feelings about their journey at all. While Hop was frantically working towards the finish line, Victor had wanted to cherish the adventures they had. Hop’s heart ached. Did he prevent memories from being made? Did he leave Victor lonely for his own selfish desire?

He clutched Victor’s hands quickly. “We’re always going to be friends. Whoever wins or loses, I could never hate you two. No matter what, we’ll find a way to stay together. I promise.”

“Hop...aauwh...I—It’s hard to feel so certain about that. But...I trust you. Thank you.”

Hop nodded. “I’m...I’ve always felt inferior to you and Gloria, and especially Leon. But even if sometimes it hurts to see how amazing you are...I could never hold that against you. I’ll always be proud of you.”

Victor rested his forehead against Hop’s. “I’m so proud of you too. Please don’t feel bad about yourself. We’ll get through this together. I could get through anything if you’re cheering me on.”

Victor rolled over, as to signify  _ I’m going to sleep now.  _ But, afterwards, wiggles himself closer to a Hop.

Hop tightly hugged Victor to him. He felt so warm. So much calmer than he had many nights prior. Victor laid his hands on Hop’s and nestled into his pillow more.

“Victor?” Hop asked softly.

“Mhm?” he responded, barely awake.

Hop figured now was a good as time as ever. “Do you like boys?”

Victor was too tired to get flustered over the question. He too thought now was a good time as ever. “Yeah.”

Hop’s heart fluttered. He’d already suspected it, but hearing it confirmed by Victor himself was what he really needed.

“Are you gay too, Hop?” the brunette asked.

Hop’s heart hammered in his chest so hard Victor could feel it on his back. “I think so.”

Victor’s breath caught in his throat. He’d been hoping and hoping he would be but now he knew his chance with Hop was actually existent. 

His thoughts suddenly spiraling, Victor ended up awake far longer than Hop.


End file.
